Things are going Awesome

I am going to say something that I don't think that I have said since I came to Texas... things are going awesome. And this is going to sound weird by I think it is partially because of a few new years resolutions that I made and have stuck with. Resolutions work for me because I have an amazing will. Some of you may not know this about me, but if I can convince myself something will work, then it does usually it is fantastic. I literally willed myself to jog 12.4 miles once with no training except running twice a month the 3 months prior. But the fact that my resolutions had to do with God probably helped.

One of my more successful resolutions has been to have a quiet time every night before I go to bed. It is amazing. What previously felt like a chore that I intermittantly tried to perform throughout my life now is something that I look forward to. And what is crazier is that it is not a story based devotional, but instead it is more textbook-like, collected essays and related Bible passages. It is sweet, I am not getting bored and I have no idea what I am going to do when I finally do finish up the book. Maybe there is a sequel.

The other one that is working out amazing for me is being supportive of my boss. Now I know that that probably sounds like a no brainer, but if you have been keeping up on this lovely blog you should understand a little of why I was resistant. For a long time it felt like my boss was judging the ministry rather than running it, and I hated that. I disliked that he had the ability to quash it with the drop of a word making everything that I have been pouring my heart into all year end. But I wasn't helping keep it around by being an opponent. So this semester I decided that I had to roll with his decisions. Early on he informed John and I that it was a real possibility that they would hand off the ministries to Intervarsity (a national para-chruch group that does only college ministry) and wash their hands of it, which initially pissed me off. Last semester I would have been totally alienated from my boss and I would have probably harmed the situation more than I helped it. But luckily God had gotten around to talking to me on break, and I decided that if these college ministries were going to be taken further from my control than I would like next year, that I would try and make this transition smooth. I went forth and supported my director while he was making this decision and we found out last week that they are definitely going to keep both ministries, and not give them away to Intervarsity. This makes me happier than I can say.

I just tried and I honestly can't think of something that is going badly right now, more is going good, but those are some of the highlights. Soon enough I will put pictures on this blog, but I figure keeping away the visuals keeps my words valuable.

LOVE.

Re-entry in Texas Life

So I was coming back to Texas and I was waiting in the Sea-tac for my plane. I had just had to sneak out mid-sermon from Bethany and come rushing down I-5 to make the plane. Kefi and Mom had agreed to go to church with me so that they could see more of me and see me fly off and I just just minutes before left them watching me as a passed through security. And I will admit it, I was very sad at this moment. Break had been perfect, I had seen almost everyone that I needed to, I had spent tons of time with my family and I had gotten to eat my father's cooking for days on end including his famous lasanga, and I wasn't looking forward to returning to the place I am living this year. The place were these people and that food are absent. So I called Camille.

I called Camille also because we were going to meet inside the airport for an hour before I left and after Camille flew back in, but I had read my ticket wrong and planned based on my layover's time. So essentially I had to tell her not to search the airport for me when she arrived in Seattle. So while on the phone with her she asked me how I was feeling about it and I confessed that I was sad, and then she told me that she had felt the same way as she left Wisconsin, and then at her layover in Chicago she had felt much better and started looking forward to coming back to Seattle again. I found this to be a comforting perspective and as I flew into Denver, I realized that I felt similarly. There is something about that in between place that makes you feel that you want to be in your destination starting what is beginning there. So upon coming back to Texas I was ready to get life started to here again.

Life here has considerably more responsibilities, including car maintenance. Before I had left Nancy (my host mom) had called and told me that my car was refusing the start. It was unlikely that it would be something so easy as the battery dying and needing a jump because Daniel and Sarah had replaced that last summer. So I tried starting my car for myself and it turning out that many of the lights were coming on, but it was still refusing to start. So I had an adult moment (which are still rare because I only just graduated) and I called an autoshop, who gave me the name of a tow truck. The man came and I handed him my key chain and my most expensive possession, and they hauled my car to an autoshop that I had never seen and strangers that I didn't know the names of. It was a surreal moment to be sure. But amidst that situation I found that I had more friends than I realized. Nancy was flying out to Cabo San Lucas on Monday (the day I was figuring all this out) and would not be able to take me to the shop to pick up my car. In anticipation of this I had called Laura who lives just a short drive from me and asked if she would take me there when they called me back. Unfortunately when that moment came she wasn't near her phone and did not answer. It was getting late and I needed my car so I could drive to work the next morning, so I called my friend Dee Dee and she was completely willing to drive over and take me to the shop.

Since then I have been furiously trying to win our family's competition, planning for the coming semester, and building on the base of people that I know here. It has taken me a while to balance my work and my life here, but it is improving incredibly. I have spent time with non-student friends at least four times a week since I came back (which is a miracle). Dee Dee and I have plans to try and find dance classes to take together (we are currently looking at hip-hop and salsa) and also potentially taking Spanish as a second language. I feel like John and I have been working amazingly well together since the Intern retreat. I have started to be consistent about my quiet times going through the book my church gave me for graduation on the 12 spiritual disciplines. The truth of the matter is that I do miss home, but the other part of that truth is that I don't have to dislike Texas to honor how much I loved life in Seattle.

Pray for me as I figure out what I am doing next year. I am pretty sure that I won't stay in Texas, but that means that I am now starting to job hunt again, which in this economy is not something I look forward to. Love.

Gifts and Resolutions

The biggest and best gift that I received this Christmas was a plane ticket home from my parents. This year they invested in getting the family together rather than expanding our possessions, which was wonderful. It was the first time since last October that all of the Lewis children were in one place at one time, and this time was more quality because no one was planning a wedding. We had a ton of fun playing games, watching movies, harassing Dad, and just generally being with one another. It was very sad to watch everyone fly away one by one until I did the same thing yesterday. But it is comforting to to know that our next reunion is in sight. On August 10th we will be getting together in the exotic northern country of Canada for Jen and Aaron's wedding. I should get a list going of all the stereotypically Canadian things we should do while we are there (say eh, be extremely polite, love the queen of England...).

Anyhow here are a few highlights of this break: High Tea with the women of the family complete with English (and one norwegian) accents, winning Texas Hold'em, getting a jet on Rockband with Kefi (Band Name: Van Go Gogh Girls), sledding, going to a houseband metal concert (complete with hardcore dancing... ask for details), partying it up with Amy on New Year's Eve, playing with my nephew, and completing lots and lots of puzzles.

So now for the New Year's Resolutions... A Partial List:
1. I will blog weekly... so that I discontinue my trend of speaking when things are going wrong while forgetting to mention things that are going awesome
2. I will comprehensively organize my finances (CHECK! already completed)
3. I will do daily quiet times
4. I will support my new boss better
5. Invest more in friendships not related to college ministry... so that my job isn't my whole life

LOVE.

Will I Miss Texas?

This is a question that I have posed to myself while waiting expectantly to come home to Washington for Christmas break. There are many things that I will not miss... I will not miss the fact that sidewalks end abruptly making your planned walking route no longer feasible. I will not miss the utter lack of Thai food (I have only eaten it once since I moved here). I will not miss the predominance of country music and conservatism. I will not miss defending that I support gay marriage, that I believe in evolution, or my support of taxation for social programs. I will not miss the fact that I eat out a lot (meaning that I rarely get home cooked meals). I will not miss the physical environment, it is too flat, too dry, and too brown. I won't miss the city, it is too vast and without much beauty to compensate.

But I have found often that love is not in generalizations but in details. I don't like a lot things about Texas. But those that I do appreciate might make me miss it. It is mostly people. People are always what I get attached to. I will miss hearing Kaki's libertarian point of view because it different but well thought out. I will miss the big blaring sunlight that has maintained my tan through out the pale-ing season at home. I will miss the family of 12 that have started to play settlers with me (with the same addiction and competitiveness of people at home). I will miss Laura's sarcastic comments. My freshmen's lack of inhibition when it comes to sharing. I will miss Tim's awkward comments. Preston and Mac's music sharing. Kristin's fascination with Calvinism. Erin's love of soccer players. Emily's joy and free spiritedness. Queenie's love of her parents. Kyle's prayers. Coby's bad jokes/pranks. DeeDee's humor. Katie's conversations.

So I suppose that I will know that I miss things in a way. I already know that I absolutely miss home. This feeling always swims beneath the surface ready to pop out. I think a good metaphor for me is a water balloon which is given easy leaks with pins all the time. I usually am able to patch the holes in the mean time, but the water is just there waiting to come out. I am so glad that I will be spending Christmas at home. I miss you lots. LOVE.

How am I doing?

This is the question that I have been getting a lot and I don't know how to answer it exactly. Like in most times in life there is sadness and there is promise. In the last two days we had two going away parties, one for each large group. The Fire was first and the stories people shared about Jason were funny so I wasn't too sad. But at the Well the stories were more serious and there I lost it. At the Well the stories talked about how Jason loved them first, and how many of them would have given up on the church if it wasn't for Jason. Personally, I felt like Jason got the order right. He was so good at loving people first and it is hard for me to believe that he is going to leave. When I said goodbye to my parents before coming to San Antonio I was very upset, but God promised me that a family was waiting for me in San Antonio and that family was the Griffices. That is not something that I am dealing with losing well.

But there are bright sides as well. Recently I have started to appreciate my co-workers a lot more. I had missed them for a long time because I try to be in the office as little as possible (because the students aren't lining up at the church) but this past week there were a lot of administrative tasks to do. At the staff meeting this week we decided to start a prank war which is going to be fun, and tomorrow I might end up watching the Office with Katie. And Dee Dee and I are going to hang out soon. Things are coming together I think, it just takes time.

And my students are still wonderful. They are pretty much the one thing that makes me hesitate about leaving Texas for good in May. There was a time when I was very seriously considering sticking around for an extra year, but right now I am swinging the other direction. Law school I had tabled for a while but it has reasserted itself as an amazing future for my life and I am going to work on making it a reality (in other words I am going to start studying for the LSAT). I am also going to look into applying for one of the California internships for the coming year... but I might just look into being an administrative assistant at a law firm so that I can see what that is like and make more money before spending a 100K.

Anyhow, I still will probably come back to Seattle in May for the wedding season (I know of 4 pending weddings at least). Temp for a while see my friends at home, and then move on to the next place. I will also be back in Seattle from December 12th through January 4th so make sure that you see me because I miss ya'll (that's right I wrote ya'll... its practical).

Panic Subsiding, Sadness sets in

It still sucks but I am dealing with it. I have been getting a flood of support from everyone at home which is a huge comfort right now, especially because I am not allowed to tell anyone here.

Some of the panic has left my life, and I thought it was important for you all to know that. I wrote that post within the day that I found out the news, I am the type of person that likes to express how I am feeling in hard moments. That blog happened only after I had the chance to speak to one person about how I felt, and I was still in panic mode.

If I am honest, I think that my panic mode had also turned into anger. I was mad at Jason, mad for not being told earlier, mad that he would talk about how he loved working here so often when the whole time he was working on leaving, mad that he would leave to a nice new job and I would be left to pick up the pieces in the wake. But I realized that this was unfair of me. Jason is truly feels awful not telling everyone, he feels like crap everytime he has to tell more people, and he feels like crap about the timing and everything too. And I wasn't helping, I didn't really see him on Monday and on Tuesday I could barely look at him I was still so upset about it. That is how I get, upset and silent.

But today Jason had to tell the student interns at the Fire that he was leaving. There was a lot of tears and silently upset students. I felt awful for Jason, he has to say the hard goodbyes a month before he actually leaves. This situation is especially hard because he is moving from good to good. He isn't running from a church that treated him badly or a ministry that is failing, but he feels like he needs to go somewhere that he is needed more. And deep down I agree, that church needs him, I have been there. But deep down in my selfish heart I don't want him to go because I feel like I need him too. But as one friend reminded me, God does not give us more than we can bare.

Since that post I spoke to Camille, Allison, Kefi and others diminishing the initial panic I felt. I have recieved a ton of encouraging emails and call, and it reminds me of all the people I have at home supporting me. Even though this situation sucks, it could be worse, it could be that I was facing it alone and you all have proven to me that you are with me.

Please continue your prayers the next group of interns finds out tomorrow and next week all of the students will be told.

These Changes Suck

So today I got some mildly traumatic news. My Boss is moving to Newport, CA in the beginning of November to be the youth director at his old church St. Mary's. The other pastors at the church knew that he was applying and they have apparently been waiting to hear about it for a while, and he heard back. He got it, and he is moving home. Whereas John and I and two college ministries are going to be left behind.

I am trying to be happy for him but the timing is vastly off in my mind. Beyond the fact that the only reason I considered coming to Texas was that I had met Jason at a conference and thought that it would be fun job the first year out of college. There is a lot of time and effort and experience that goes into running a college ministry, and in less than a month a larger portion of that is going to be laid down on John and my plate.

Technically all of Jason's job will not fall to me and John. Jason's boss Tim (who started working here a month before I did) is going to be the speaker at the Well and the Fire. But Tim is also the pastor of Contemporary Worship and young adults. Which doesn't leave a lot of time to hang out and care for college students. College students need more attention than the pastor of three things at a giant church can give.

I had already had a moment with Jason where I talked about there being too many things for me to do. And I had been suggesting ways for me to delegate these tasks, to get the students to take more ownership of the ministry, and Jason was receptive and it was great. But now I understand why he was so receptive. He was excited to go along with it because he knew that it was going to leave his hands soon.

If I am honest, I have felt that Jason's head wasn't in San Antonio for a while and it has all just come together with his shocking announcement. There were apparently several times over the course of this week where I almost accidentally found out that he was leaving, but I was fairly oblivious. People were talking about how they were going to miss him, and one even mentioned him leaving to California but I thought maybe that meant at the end of the year... I wasn't looking for something huge to change.

And now I am floundering a bit, which is unlike me. It is not that I think that my job is going to radically change. I knew I was going to have a lot of responsibility because I was essentially given two rather than one ministry's worth of girls. I knew that I would speak, and was honestly looking forward to speaking at some of the worship services. But I also thought that I was signing up with a specific boss. Someone that I believed in as a leader for college students, someone that knew how to reach out people on the edges. He knew how to be bold in speaking truth without being judging in his delivery. And I know that especially for the guys, he is a lot of what kept them there... and I don't know if Tim and John are going to attract the same crowd.

Transitions in ministry are hard. I saw it at Southminister when Bob was asked to step down as choir director. I saw it at Midway the year I left for college when a pastor left. And I saw it at the Inn when Mike Gaffney left. The Inn came back from it fine, but mostly the others came back from it crippled. In each it was harmful enough to lose people forever. The Inn survived partially because it is so large, and partially because of the manner of exit. But this transition I expect to be rockier. It is mid year, it is sudden, and the Well and the Fire are smaller.

Pray for me because I have no idea what this means.