These Changes Suck

So today I got some mildly traumatic news. My Boss is moving to Newport, CA in the beginning of November to be the youth director at his old church St. Mary's. The other pastors at the church knew that he was applying and they have apparently been waiting to hear about it for a while, and he heard back. He got it, and he is moving home. Whereas John and I and two college ministries are going to be left behind.

I am trying to be happy for him but the timing is vastly off in my mind. Beyond the fact that the only reason I considered coming to Texas was that I had met Jason at a conference and thought that it would be fun job the first year out of college. There is a lot of time and effort and experience that goes into running a college ministry, and in less than a month a larger portion of that is going to be laid down on John and my plate.

Technically all of Jason's job will not fall to me and John. Jason's boss Tim (who started working here a month before I did) is going to be the speaker at the Well and the Fire. But Tim is also the pastor of Contemporary Worship and young adults. Which doesn't leave a lot of time to hang out and care for college students. College students need more attention than the pastor of three things at a giant church can give.

I had already had a moment with Jason where I talked about there being too many things for me to do. And I had been suggesting ways for me to delegate these tasks, to get the students to take more ownership of the ministry, and Jason was receptive and it was great. But now I understand why he was so receptive. He was excited to go along with it because he knew that it was going to leave his hands soon.

If I am honest, I have felt that Jason's head wasn't in San Antonio for a while and it has all just come together with his shocking announcement. There were apparently several times over the course of this week where I almost accidentally found out that he was leaving, but I was fairly oblivious. People were talking about how they were going to miss him, and one even mentioned him leaving to California but I thought maybe that meant at the end of the year... I wasn't looking for something huge to change.

And now I am floundering a bit, which is unlike me. It is not that I think that my job is going to radically change. I knew I was going to have a lot of responsibility because I was essentially given two rather than one ministry's worth of girls. I knew that I would speak, and was honestly looking forward to speaking at some of the worship services. But I also thought that I was signing up with a specific boss. Someone that I believed in as a leader for college students, someone that knew how to reach out people on the edges. He knew how to be bold in speaking truth without being judging in his delivery. And I know that especially for the guys, he is a lot of what kept them there... and I don't know if Tim and John are going to attract the same crowd.

Transitions in ministry are hard. I saw it at Southminister when Bob was asked to step down as choir director. I saw it at Midway the year I left for college when a pastor left. And I saw it at the Inn when Mike Gaffney left. The Inn came back from it fine, but mostly the others came back from it crippled. In each it was harmful enough to lose people forever. The Inn survived partially because it is so large, and partially because of the manner of exit. But this transition I expect to be rockier. It is mid year, it is sudden, and the Well and the Fire are smaller.

Pray for me because I have no idea what this means.

Allison is Coming!

So, since I left I have been trying to convince Allison to come over. I persisted in this because it was comforting and Allison made the mistake of saying that she was willing to fly herself out here. Because of Allison I had a small background hope that she might come and see me while I am here. But tonight Allison called me and checked if I would be able to pick her up if she took a red eye to San Antonio, which I enthusiastically affirmed. She is currently thinking of coming down on October 16th. That is less than one month from this current date! I couldn't stop from telling her how happy I am that she is going to come. She is still figuring out the details of who will take her and pick her up from the airport, but I am sure it will pan out. She is even willing to have a layover, and Allison hates layovers! Isn't she wonderful?

Now I need to start making plans. I told her that I would save the tourist traps like the Alamo for me and her to do together. And while I was talking to her on the phone I realized that one of my "things-to-do-while-I'm-in-Texas" (there is a growing list) could be done while she is here... We can go skydiving! In Seattle such a leap could cost around a thousand bucks, but in Texas skydiving costs about $100. Allison would prefer bungy jumping, but she is willing because of the super low cost to bump bungy jumping up on the list.

I cannot say how thrilled I am to be visited. I know that my last post did not portray a deep love of Texas/the move in general, but since then I have had an amazing amount of support come in from all sides... from Seattle and in Texas. Things have taken an up-swing. I got a permanent home (complete with maid and swimming pool). The fire and the well have been going awesome. I love the core group that I am leading. The parental unit is flying me home to Seattle for Christmas, and now Allison is coming to Texas and is willing to consider skydiving with me!

Perhaps this skydiving information will inspire other visitors as well :).

Cracked-Heal

So last night Kate Maxwell was visiting because she is driving to Princeton with Bianca, and I discovered that I was homesick. I also discovered that retrospectively I have been homesick before and hadn't even realized it. When I was on Deputation in Croatia I got homesick right about a month into the trip. It is sort of comforting and sort of not comforting to recognize the pattern. You see, I think that I go through stages whenever I arrive at a new place. First I am in input mode. Where I am friendly but quiet as I try to get a sense of what things are like here. Throughout all of this time I am analyzing what is happening, which really means that I am being critical and over-thinking things. Then after I have done that for about a month... throughout which I have attempted to stay incredibly positive and appreciate the good things in the new place that I am at. I realize that I have been ignoring and not fully recognizing how bothered I am by the crappy, annoying, bad things that have been sprinkled in the middle. At this point I get broken. 

I don't say broken lightly. This is the problem with not taking both things at once I suppose. I have used up all my resilience in the first month and by the end of it I feel incredibly raw. It is like a cracked heel... everything is fine until the skin breaks and then you realize it has been wearing down for a while and now it is going to take a time to heal. 

Yesterday I cracked when I started talking to Kate. I am house sitting and she came and spent the night with me while Bianca stayed at the Griffice's. She was asking me how Texas was going, and despite wanting to sing its praises that is not where I am at right now. Right now I am at the stage where I really wish that people around me would get me without anything else. I think this is a side effect of living in one place all your life and then moving to a place that could not be more opposite. I see these opposite things and they are wrong to me. But more importantly I see these opposite things and I start to feel opposite.

So at this point, all the the people here understand about me is that I am quiet and friendly. But because I put up a wall, they don't know my opinions, my sense of humor, my fears, or that I desperately need someone that I am just myself with. And I because of all my analysis, have convinced myself that if I do show people that they just won't get me. 

But from the beginning to the end this is my problem. I am the person that is doing the judging and I am the person that doesn't let them get to know me. So at this point I feel somewhat ready to change these things, but unfortunately I think it is going to express itself by me crying in front of someone who is practically a stranger. And I am not a public crier. But at this point I don't think holding it in is an option anymore.