These Changes Suck

So today I got some mildly traumatic news. My Boss is moving to Newport, CA in the beginning of November to be the youth director at his old church St. Mary's. The other pastors at the church knew that he was applying and they have apparently been waiting to hear about it for a while, and he heard back. He got it, and he is moving home. Whereas John and I and two college ministries are going to be left behind.

I am trying to be happy for him but the timing is vastly off in my mind. Beyond the fact that the only reason I considered coming to Texas was that I had met Jason at a conference and thought that it would be fun job the first year out of college. There is a lot of time and effort and experience that goes into running a college ministry, and in less than a month a larger portion of that is going to be laid down on John and my plate.

Technically all of Jason's job will not fall to me and John. Jason's boss Tim (who started working here a month before I did) is going to be the speaker at the Well and the Fire. But Tim is also the pastor of Contemporary Worship and young adults. Which doesn't leave a lot of time to hang out and care for college students. College students need more attention than the pastor of three things at a giant church can give.

I had already had a moment with Jason where I talked about there being too many things for me to do. And I had been suggesting ways for me to delegate these tasks, to get the students to take more ownership of the ministry, and Jason was receptive and it was great. But now I understand why he was so receptive. He was excited to go along with it because he knew that it was going to leave his hands soon.

If I am honest, I have felt that Jason's head wasn't in San Antonio for a while and it has all just come together with his shocking announcement. There were apparently several times over the course of this week where I almost accidentally found out that he was leaving, but I was fairly oblivious. People were talking about how they were going to miss him, and one even mentioned him leaving to California but I thought maybe that meant at the end of the year... I wasn't looking for something huge to change.

And now I am floundering a bit, which is unlike me. It is not that I think that my job is going to radically change. I knew I was going to have a lot of responsibility because I was essentially given two rather than one ministry's worth of girls. I knew that I would speak, and was honestly looking forward to speaking at some of the worship services. But I also thought that I was signing up with a specific boss. Someone that I believed in as a leader for college students, someone that knew how to reach out people on the edges. He knew how to be bold in speaking truth without being judging in his delivery. And I know that especially for the guys, he is a lot of what kept them there... and I don't know if Tim and John are going to attract the same crowd.

Transitions in ministry are hard. I saw it at Southminister when Bob was asked to step down as choir director. I saw it at Midway the year I left for college when a pastor left. And I saw it at the Inn when Mike Gaffney left. The Inn came back from it fine, but mostly the others came back from it crippled. In each it was harmful enough to lose people forever. The Inn survived partially because it is so large, and partially because of the manner of exit. But this transition I expect to be rockier. It is mid year, it is sudden, and the Well and the Fire are smaller.

Pray for me because I have no idea what this means.

Allison is Coming!

So, since I left I have been trying to convince Allison to come over. I persisted in this because it was comforting and Allison made the mistake of saying that she was willing to fly herself out here. Because of Allison I had a small background hope that she might come and see me while I am here. But tonight Allison called me and checked if I would be able to pick her up if she took a red eye to San Antonio, which I enthusiastically affirmed. She is currently thinking of coming down on October 16th. That is less than one month from this current date! I couldn't stop from telling her how happy I am that she is going to come. She is still figuring out the details of who will take her and pick her up from the airport, but I am sure it will pan out. She is even willing to have a layover, and Allison hates layovers! Isn't she wonderful?

Now I need to start making plans. I told her that I would save the tourist traps like the Alamo for me and her to do together. And while I was talking to her on the phone I realized that one of my "things-to-do-while-I'm-in-Texas" (there is a growing list) could be done while she is here... We can go skydiving! In Seattle such a leap could cost around a thousand bucks, but in Texas skydiving costs about $100. Allison would prefer bungy jumping, but she is willing because of the super low cost to bump bungy jumping up on the list.

I cannot say how thrilled I am to be visited. I know that my last post did not portray a deep love of Texas/the move in general, but since then I have had an amazing amount of support come in from all sides... from Seattle and in Texas. Things have taken an up-swing. I got a permanent home (complete with maid and swimming pool). The fire and the well have been going awesome. I love the core group that I am leading. The parental unit is flying me home to Seattle for Christmas, and now Allison is coming to Texas and is willing to consider skydiving with me!

Perhaps this skydiving information will inspire other visitors as well :).

Cracked-Heal

So last night Kate Maxwell was visiting because she is driving to Princeton with Bianca, and I discovered that I was homesick. I also discovered that retrospectively I have been homesick before and hadn't even realized it. When I was on Deputation in Croatia I got homesick right about a month into the trip. It is sort of comforting and sort of not comforting to recognize the pattern. You see, I think that I go through stages whenever I arrive at a new place. First I am in input mode. Where I am friendly but quiet as I try to get a sense of what things are like here. Throughout all of this time I am analyzing what is happening, which really means that I am being critical and over-thinking things. Then after I have done that for about a month... throughout which I have attempted to stay incredibly positive and appreciate the good things in the new place that I am at. I realize that I have been ignoring and not fully recognizing how bothered I am by the crappy, annoying, bad things that have been sprinkled in the middle. At this point I get broken. 

I don't say broken lightly. This is the problem with not taking both things at once I suppose. I have used up all my resilience in the first month and by the end of it I feel incredibly raw. It is like a cracked heel... everything is fine until the skin breaks and then you realize it has been wearing down for a while and now it is going to take a time to heal. 

Yesterday I cracked when I started talking to Kate. I am house sitting and she came and spent the night with me while Bianca stayed at the Griffice's. She was asking me how Texas was going, and despite wanting to sing its praises that is not where I am at right now. Right now I am at the stage where I really wish that people around me would get me without anything else. I think this is a side effect of living in one place all your life and then moving to a place that could not be more opposite. I see these opposite things and they are wrong to me. But more importantly I see these opposite things and I start to feel opposite.

So at this point, all the the people here understand about me is that I am quiet and friendly. But because I put up a wall, they don't know my opinions, my sense of humor, my fears, or that I desperately need someone that I am just myself with. And I because of all my analysis, have convinced myself that if I do show people that they just won't get me. 

But from the beginning to the end this is my problem. I am the person that is doing the judging and I am the person that doesn't let them get to know me. So at this point I feel somewhat ready to change these things, but unfortunately I think it is going to express itself by me crying in front of someone who is practically a stranger. And I am not a public crier. But at this point I don't think holding it in is an option anymore.

Destination Deuteronomy

Last quarter I got burnt out with the New Testament (the NT). I blame this primarily upon the dreaded Michael Williams (professor of my class on the NT) who sucked every ounce of joy out of learning about the Bible from my life. I took the class because I wanted to get better background upon the Bible before spending a year working for a church. But it was a bad idea, studying the Bible isn't something that I can do marathon style, I need to take it slow... so doing the whole NT in a quarter ruined that section of the Bible for me for a while.

Luckily the backlash of Michael Williams did not illogically overflow into my feelings about the Old Testament (the OT). I have always felt that I needed to get better acquainted with the OT. As a young child they tell you all of the best OT stories and they are cool and exciting and you come out knowing the gist of them... but you have no idea where they are located in the Bible or in the history of the Jewish people pre-NT. The NT has the advantage of having the background first, then the letters/advice and then the prophecies... this organization is clear because the central stories are told in the gospels/acts. The OT is not so clear. Sure it starts at the beginning, but there is so much more of it that it is hard to keep in order. I like having the overview and later plugging the details as they come.

Plus, I am ashamed to say it, but I have not read every part of the Bible. It has been a goal for a long time, but in the case of the Bible I am not a cover to cover kind of girl... which is hard, because every other book I am a cover to cover kind of girl.

Luckily, God sent me a to a book that is miraculously apt for my situation. I am reading East of Eden and they have a passage where they name these twins out of the bible. The names that are chose are Caleb and Aaron. Each of them are significant in the Exodus story. I knew what Aaron was famous for (because of my brother). But I had no clue what was up with Caleb other than it had something to do with the end of the first 40 years in the desert. So I decided to start at the end of the first 40 years which just so happens to be in Deuteronomy... and this book is a gift to me in the time and place that I am at right now.

It is perfect for me because it is about a people in exile in a place that is not their home, who left dependent on the promise of God. I am not going to be dramatic and say that I am in exile, because I am not. But I am not in my home anymore and I feel that I left home because of quiet promises that God made to me. God promised me that though it would be with me. That may seem clique, but how often are you truly in a place where each day you have to ask for God's help. When I said goodbye to my parents back in July, God promised me that he would have a family waiting for me here in San Antonio. And even though I sometimes desperately miss my family and friends, I depend on that promise to sustain me while I pursue friendships here. And I think that God is also fulfilling my blind request to learn what it means to depend on him, because in the absence of so much of what I have used to prop me up in the past. I find that my voids are not unbearable because he is fulfilling them. I have also been blessed to recognize God's work more. I see how God worked through Camille to tell me exactly what I needed to hear last week. I see God in Deuteronomy and the miracle of finding one story of what God did in the world to help me wade through what God is doing to my world. I see God in the small group I elbowed my way into last week where I have finally found a group of women to share my frustrations with.

Allison knows that I am a complainer, but right now I just don't have much bad to say. Now I understand why He is called Emanuel (God with us), and I wouldn't trade this for all the comforts and joys of home.

I miss you and I love you.

Conquering my fear of children

Even now after living here for about a month my living situation is not quite settled, which is a bit frustrating. Don't get me wrong, I love where I am living, but I am not yet sure that I am staying here. Right now I am living with Jason (my boss) and his wife Malia and there son Zeke. But they are living on low paying ministry salaries so they have been looking for another family to take me in. It makes me in a weird limbo space that I honestly don't enjoy. I want to be able to make my room my own, everything I own is still in boxes and suitcases, and my elaborate computer set up has not yet been reconstructed, separating me from my music.

If I am honest I would like to stay here at the Griffice's house. I am already comfortable with them as a family. They yell up the stairs, laugh, watch tv, eat, and love each other. It is has been just like home since I arrived here... but I still might be moving away, if we don't hear by next week I am going to decorate my room and hope that I just get to stay.

One of my favorite things about living in the house is Zeke. Zeke is my 3 year old housemate. He is pretty awesome. He is loud and loving and creative and if I had a son I would want him to end up exactly like Zeke. Zeke loves cars and all things that roll, and he loves sports which has been a particular joy with the Olympics being on all of the time, and he loves a new game... which is good because I don't know his old ones.

One big highlight of hanging out with Zeke is that he eats up the explanations that you give him, so we were playing a pretend game and he told me that behind the wall there was a truck and a monster. Realizing that the monster things is usually a bad thing for kids I taught him to karate chop the monster to protect himself and he didn't seem to have a problem when nap time came around.

Then today I babysat Zeke for the first time (which makes a total of 4 babysitting gigs in my lifetime). It was incredibly easy even when my original plan went out the window. You see I had planned on taking him out in the back and practicing t-ball with him (Zeke has great eye-hand coordination). But thunder and lightning rolled in and we were restricted to the house. Then I am pretty sure that the thunder started to scare Zeke so I decided to preempt the fear by talking about how thunder is cool. I am not sure that it worked completely but he seemed to be doing fine.

All in all I think that Zeke is currently conquering my fear of children with his awesomeness.

The Twilight Zone

Many of you may not know this, but I am an incredibly optimistic person. It is by nature, go God for giving me that gift. And every once in a while I will notice a psychological tricks I play on myself to help me through tough moments. The one that I have noticed this week is connecting old friends and new acquaintances in my mind. This was happening over and over again since my arrival in San Antonio.

The first one I noticed I feel a little guilty about mentioning. I feel guilty because Liz Orrestead has had so many comparisons made with her (in the past she was compared to Jessica Lazdins). But the fact of the matter is that Liz is amazing so everyone wants to see her everywhere. And in a twilight zone sort of way I have found someone like Liz in Texas. Her name is Kaki and she is a strong christian, into social justice, and to a degree has similar facial features. It has been great to meet Kaki because if I am honest I didn't expect to find a person that seems so "Seattle" born and raised in Texas. Kaki in addition to her Liz-like qualities is vegetarian and plays ultimate frisbee on a weekly basis. I am pumped to spend the next year getting to know her.

The next twilight zone moment was in regard to a guy named Preston. It was odd because as I met him he reminded me of Donny (Sara's BF). Don't ask me why, it is something about how they both talk. This is where it gets freaky. When we were all trying to swim in a river (I say trying because the river was mostly knee deep) I found out that he was diabetic (type I) just like Donny. It's crazy... I would say that his diabetic statis prejudiced me, but I swear I connected Preston to Donny prior to learning about his intolerance to sugar. Beyond his Donny like qualities he also is an indie-rock DJ for his college station (which means that somewhere at sometime there is an indie-rock on the radio in San Antonio).  I expect to be getting lots of new music from Donny's soul brother.

Other less thrilling similarities... one of our pastor's Scott reminds me of Brad Nelson. It might have something to do with the hair, more than anything else. I have never gone to a dueling piano bar with Brad Nelson, but maybe when I come home around christmas. 

Texas People

Before I left I was hanging out with Camille and complaining about all of the things that I wasn't looking forward to about Texas. At the time I was having such a great summer that I was having trouble understanding why I leaving, it seemed like a waste of so many good things. After I was done complaining about the lack of things to do and how the physical environment was going to suck (because of the lack of trees/water/mountains) Camille shared some wisdom with me. She said that because San Antonio lacked all of these other things, it would make it so that only one thing was left to focus on: Humanity. This comment has turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy. From the time that I arrived in Texas the very best part of it has been the people I have found. And since some of these people are probably going to be written about a lot I am going to introduce you all to them.

The first person that you will need to meet is my boss, Jason Griffice. He is the reason that I applied to this job in the first place so must carry much of the blame for my move. I met him two christmases ago when I went to Urbana (Intervarsity's national mission conference). He is a lot of fun and is also very approachable so I could tell from the outset that if I worked with him I would enjoy my job. His approachability was initially wrapped up in the fact that he seems like a big kid in a lot of ways. But more recently I have gained respect for his maturity. We are currently in Orange County CA, where he was raised and where is family still lives. Yesterday I got to meet both of his brothers (ages 36 and 17) and his parents (we slept at his family's house). And as we spent time with them, I noticed how Jason was attentive to the individual needs of each of his family members. This indicates a perceptiveness that can only be good for the people around him... it is going to be a good year.

I will introduce more later, but I am going to go get fish tacos at Wahoos!