How am I doing?

This is the question that I have been getting a lot and I don't know how to answer it exactly. Like in most times in life there is sadness and there is promise. In the last two days we had two going away parties, one for each large group. The Fire was first and the stories people shared about Jason were funny so I wasn't too sad. But at the Well the stories were more serious and there I lost it. At the Well the stories talked about how Jason loved them first, and how many of them would have given up on the church if it wasn't for Jason. Personally, I felt like Jason got the order right. He was so good at loving people first and it is hard for me to believe that he is going to leave. When I said goodbye to my parents before coming to San Antonio I was very upset, but God promised me that a family was waiting for me in San Antonio and that family was the Griffices. That is not something that I am dealing with losing well.

But there are bright sides as well. Recently I have started to appreciate my co-workers a lot more. I had missed them for a long time because I try to be in the office as little as possible (because the students aren't lining up at the church) but this past week there were a lot of administrative tasks to do. At the staff meeting this week we decided to start a prank war which is going to be fun, and tomorrow I might end up watching the Office with Katie. And Dee Dee and I are going to hang out soon. Things are coming together I think, it just takes time.

And my students are still wonderful. They are pretty much the one thing that makes me hesitate about leaving Texas for good in May. There was a time when I was very seriously considering sticking around for an extra year, but right now I am swinging the other direction. Law school I had tabled for a while but it has reasserted itself as an amazing future for my life and I am going to work on making it a reality (in other words I am going to start studying for the LSAT). I am also going to look into applying for one of the California internships for the coming year... but I might just look into being an administrative assistant at a law firm so that I can see what that is like and make more money before spending a 100K.

Anyhow, I still will probably come back to Seattle in May for the wedding season (I know of 4 pending weddings at least). Temp for a while see my friends at home, and then move on to the next place. I will also be back in Seattle from December 12th through January 4th so make sure that you see me because I miss ya'll (that's right I wrote ya'll... its practical).

Panic Subsiding, Sadness sets in

It still sucks but I am dealing with it. I have been getting a flood of support from everyone at home which is a huge comfort right now, especially because I am not allowed to tell anyone here.

Some of the panic has left my life, and I thought it was important for you all to know that. I wrote that post within the day that I found out the news, I am the type of person that likes to express how I am feeling in hard moments. That blog happened only after I had the chance to speak to one person about how I felt, and I was still in panic mode.

If I am honest, I think that my panic mode had also turned into anger. I was mad at Jason, mad for not being told earlier, mad that he would talk about how he loved working here so often when the whole time he was working on leaving, mad that he would leave to a nice new job and I would be left to pick up the pieces in the wake. But I realized that this was unfair of me. Jason is truly feels awful not telling everyone, he feels like crap everytime he has to tell more people, and he feels like crap about the timing and everything too. And I wasn't helping, I didn't really see him on Monday and on Tuesday I could barely look at him I was still so upset about it. That is how I get, upset and silent.

But today Jason had to tell the student interns at the Fire that he was leaving. There was a lot of tears and silently upset students. I felt awful for Jason, he has to say the hard goodbyes a month before he actually leaves. This situation is especially hard because he is moving from good to good. He isn't running from a church that treated him badly or a ministry that is failing, but he feels like he needs to go somewhere that he is needed more. And deep down I agree, that church needs him, I have been there. But deep down in my selfish heart I don't want him to go because I feel like I need him too. But as one friend reminded me, God does not give us more than we can bare.

Since that post I spoke to Camille, Allison, Kefi and others diminishing the initial panic I felt. I have recieved a ton of encouraging emails and call, and it reminds me of all the people I have at home supporting me. Even though this situation sucks, it could be worse, it could be that I was facing it alone and you all have proven to me that you are with me.

Please continue your prayers the next group of interns finds out tomorrow and next week all of the students will be told.